


Fuck, Akaashi

by NyxDistari



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji is a Little Shit, Fuck Marry Kill, Kuroo and Bokuto are children, M/M, Sawamura Daichi is So Done, Training Camp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:40:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25203346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyxDistari/pseuds/NyxDistari
Summary: “Kuroo,” Daichi drawled with a grin. “Fuck, marry, kill- Bokuto, Kenma, Akaashi.”Bokuto perked up at his name being mentioned but it was short lived.“Kill Bokuto,” Kuroo decided instantly. “Marry Kenma obviously, and fuck Akaashi.”---Kuroo calls a Captain's meeting at training camp but it ends up just being an excuse for Kuroo to taunt Daichi through fuck marry kill. The taunting is turned towards him when he admits to wanting to fuck Akaashi. Because, lets be real, who doesn't want to?This is basically just a short, funny and slightly fluffy fic, theres absolutely no fucking because they're just big nerdy sport bois.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 21
Kudos: 399





	Fuck, Akaashi

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I dont know much about the other captains so I probably wrote them OC. Dont take this fic seriously I legit wrote it in under an hour because I wanted to write a Haikyuu fic.

Daichi often wondered what he had done wrong in his past life to be treated this way. Being in charge of exasperating and overly energetic team mates had made him think that he could have been a thief and this was his punishment. But confessing to Suga a few months ago and having his feelings reciprocated made him think he had been silly, he must have been a pretty great person to get someone as perfect as Suga. But then training camp came along and Daichi _knew_ he was being punished for _something_.

Kuroo had called them all to a Captains meeting. Without much information on what the meeting was about Daichi wasn’t too sure what the night would hold but he certainly hadn’t been excepting this.

“You’d fuck Donald Trump?” Kuroo shrieked as he slapped his hand on his thigh repeatedly.

Ogano became red in the face as he thought on how to defend himself. “Well, I wouldn’t want to _marry_ him!” He yelled. “And plus Michael Jackson is already dead! I’m not exactly going to fuck a corpse! My choices make sense!”

Daichi rubbed his hands over his eyes. He wanted to go back to his team. They were loud and childlike but they played better less humiliating games. The ‘Captain’s meeting’ had been going on for about four hours and with each passing hour the games had been getting more sexual and less fun. It had started off with a friendly game of scrabble, then came truth or date and now they engaged in a disgusting game of ‘Fuck, Marry, Kill.”

“I mean, I get it bro,” Bokuto nodded excitedly. “I’d marry Dwayne the Rock Johnson too.”

“Can I leave yet?” Daichi asked no one in particular.

Kuroo pointed a stern finger towards his face. “No! It’s your turn.” He smirked.

“Fine,” Daichi groaned, stretching out his legs after keeping them in basket formation for so long.

“Okay Daichi. Fuck, marry, kill- your wife, your smallest son and your tallest son.” Kuroo smirked wickedly.

“Translation?” He asked with a raised brow.

Gora let out a loud cough to get the groups attention. “I believe he means Suga, Hinata and Tsukishima.” He nodded.

“What?” Daichi recoiled. Not many knew about his relationship with Suga, in fact it was only Asahi that he was aware of after the taller boy walked in on them making out in the clubroom, so he was confused by Suga’s nickname as his _wife._ He knew that he and Suga had a parental relationship with their team but he hadn’t ever thought others would pick up on that enough to label them as a family.

Bokuto let out a deafeningly loud squeal of distaste. “Hinata is clearly _my_ son!”

“Excuse me?” Daichi growled at the annoying owl.

“Bo, stop it, you’ll make Dadchi angry!” Kuroo whisper yelled to his friend.

Before Daichi could protest against the nickname Ogano spoke up. “Isn’t your libero the smallest?”

“Come on, Daichi!” Kuroo sang, his voice more high pitched and annoying after each word. “Fuck, marry, kill- Suga, Noya and Tsukki!”

Daichi thought about it for a moment, the thought made him want to vomit and so he had to stop. “Marry Suga and kill both of them.” He decided. The captains seemingly knew about his feelings towards Suga anyway so he felt no need to hide his desire to one day marry the silver haired setter. 

“That’s not how the game works, man.” Bokuto chastised him with a shake of the head. 

“I don’t want to fuck either of them!” Daichi yelled.

“Come on man just do it!” Kuroo groaned.

“We will not judge.” Gora promised.

Ogano sighed, “You’re boring me." 

“Play the game properly!” Bokuto yelled.

Daichi let out a loud groan, to let them all know he wasn't happy with the game, before yelling, “Kill Tsukishima!”

“Oh ho?” Kuroo grinned, twisting his head around to look at Daichi.

Bokuto copied the action of his friend. “Oh ho ho!”

“Shut up!” Daichi yelled, slightly ashamed at how easily he has been led astray by the other captains.

“You want to fuck your smallest son!” Kuroo shrieked before erupting into horrible ugly laughter.

Daichi didn’t answer, he knew anything he said would only fuel the idiot’s glee, but he was satisfied with his answer. He loved all of his teammates, though he only had romantic love for Suga, and he knew that if Kuroo broke their confidentiality rule and told Noya about the game the libero would be miserable if he had been chosen as the kill, whereas Tsukishima wouldn’t bat an eyelid. It would still make him feel filthy if anyone told his team and so he needed to embarrass Kuroo enough so he would never speak of their meeting again.

“Kuroo,” Daichi drawled with a grin. “Fuck, marry, kill- Bokuto, Kenma, Akaashi.”

Bokuto perked up at his name being mentioned but it was short lived.

“Kill Bokuto,” Kuroo decided instantly. “Marry Kenma obviously, and fuck Akaashi.”

“You answered that way too fast.” Daichi squirmed.

“Bro!” Bokuto cried out, clearly upset at having been killed off without a second of thought. “How could you do that to Akaashi!”

Daichi looked at the other two sane captains and the three of them shared a confused look. Bokuto didn’t seem to care that he was chosen as the kill, he was just upset on Akaashi’s behalf.

Kuroo simply shrugged his shoulders. “Because he’s hot as fuck?”

“But _I_ want to fuck Akaashi! _And_ marry him!” Bokuto yelled, crossing his arms across his chest like a child.

“Wait, are we _all_ gay?” Ogano asked.

“Every volleyball player is.” Gora nodded. Daichi couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.

“We can share him, bro!” Kuroo put a hand on the other captain’s shoulder and gave him a gentle shove.

At this point Daichi thought he could sneak out without anyone noticing but he was kind of intrigued as to how this would play out. He had to admit Akaashi was very handsome and he _had_ noticed the many eyes following him around the court. But he wouldn’t have thought Akaashi capable of creating a love triangle between himself and the irritating duo of Bokuto and Kuroo.

“No!” Bokuto protested, shoving Kuroo’s hand off his shoulder violently. “Only I can sleep with ‘Kaashi! Plus, you said you were into Kenma!”

“Bokuto!” Kuroo yelled, his face becoming as red as his jacket.

“Oh, shit, sorry man!” Bokuto’s eyes became wide and panicked. “I forgot that was a secret!”

“Hardly a secret,” Ogano laughed. Daichi had to agree. If he and Suga were a married couple with lots of children then Kuroo and Kenma were the weird Aunt and Uncle who shouldn't work but have been married since the dawn of time. 

“I’m going to sleep with Akaashi just to get back at you!” Kuroo growled, shoving Bokuto’s chest. 

Bokuto gasped and returned the shove. “Oh, yeah? Well me and Akaashi will just sleep with Kenma together to get back at _you!”_ He yelled whilst slapping Kuroo’s leg and creating a strange slap war. Daichi debated breaking them up but found it probably wasn’t worth the effort considering they would end up dragging him in to the fight.

Gora let out a warning cough before speaking up. “Hello Akaashi, hello Kenma.” He nodded

“Hah, hah, very funny,” Kuroo rolled his eyes before moving to finish the slap fight by aiming for Bokuto's cheek.

“Hello, Gora-san.” A small voice from behind Daichi said.

Daichi turned around first to see a very embarrassed Akaashi with Kenma hiding behind him. He gave them a small nod but wasn’t sure what else to do. Kuroo and Bokuto refused to turn around and continued to stare at Gora with bright red cheeks.

“Kenma and I were just coming to let you all know that it is midnight, we think it’s time for Bokuto-san and Kuroo-san to sleep. Not with us. Just in general,” Akaashi announced before guiding Kenma out of the room gently and closing the door.

Ogano burst into loud cackling laughter and even Gora let out a few chuckles but Daichi wasn’t sure if he wanted to join in yet. They continued laughing for a good five minutes whilst Bokuto and Kuroo looked terrified, frozen in place. Even if they made him murderous with their relentless dirty games and annoying voices he didn’t like seeing anyone upset and so he stood up and placed a hand on each of their backs in a friendly manner.

“Go apologize to them.” He suggested, giving them a nice pat on the back. 

“We’re such bad Captains!” Bokuto cried out, turning his body around and knocking Daichi over in a strong hug.

“Kenma will hate me!” Kuroo cried, joining them in the bone crushing hug.

Daichi had whiplash from how fast their emotions could turn. One moment they were slapping the shit out of each other and now they were being cradled in a hug from Daichi. He regretted the though as soon as it formed in his brain but the two captains seemed to be more children for him to raise. They acted as tough and scary as Tanaka and Noya but inside they were as young and anxious as Hinata and Yamaguchi. He tried his best to treat them as a mix of his teammates. "Listen, they won't hate you I promise." He said encouragingly and strong. "But you have to get off your dumb asses and go talk to them!" He finished in a stern yell.

“Yes, Dadchi,” They yelled in unison as they ran out of the room before he could protest the name.

Daichi sighed and regarded the two remaining captains with a smile. “I’m going to go see my wife now- _I mean_ , my vice captain.” He stumbled.

Ogano smirked, “Tell the wife we said hi.” 

_I must have done something_ really _bad in my past life,_ Daichi thought as he left the ‘captains meeting’.

When he finally made it to Karasuno’s sleeping quarters he wasn’t surprised to see and hear them all sleeping. As he made his way across the room he looked at his teammates and was forced to remember Gora’s words on all volleyball players being gay.

Tsukishima had his pinkie curled around Yamaguchi’s, Kinnoshita and Narita didn’t even attempt to hide as they were curled around each other, Noya’s sleeping hand was clutching a lock of Asahi’s long hair and either Hinata was missing or the lump underneath Kageyama’s covers wasn’t volleyballs but in fact their little decoy.

Daichi resisted the strange urge to coo at them and instead dropped down next to Suga and tried to get some rest. It took some time, his head kept wondering how Kuroo and Bokuto were getting on, but he eventually drifted off to sleep.

It seemed like only minutes later he was being rudely awoken by the beaming sun.

“Noya, no!” He yelled when he realized the libero was waking them all up far too early again.

“The _sun_ is up so _we_ need to be up!” Noya grinned before skipping towards Asahi and shaking him awake.

Suga let out a loud groan from behind his pillow before throwing it towards the general direction of Noya. “Next time, we’re getting our own room.” He told Daichi with a pout.

“I’ll see what I can do.” He promised with a smile as he pulled out his phone.  
  
His mother had sent him a few encouraging messages but he was more interested in the new texting group he had been added to. It was called ‘Best Captains’ and the first message was sent last night at 2am when Daichi had been sleeping.

_Bokuto: Guys! Me and Akaashi are dating now!_

Underneath the message there was a flash photo of Bokuto and Akaashi doing the peace sign. It was clearly taken outside last night and Daichi would have criticized them on the dangers of late night adventures if he hadn’t noticed how happy they both looked. He didn’t want to ruin their fun.

_Daichi: I’m glad it worked out!_

_Kuroo: Get in there bro! Wooo! Me and Kenma are also dating!  
  
_Daichi clutched his phone for a minute before typing out a message.  
  
_Daichi: Suga and I have been dating for three months_

The reply from Ogano came almost immediately.

_Ogano: I’m gay and lonely._

Daichi was about to send an encouraging message to Ogano when Suga interrupted his train of thought.  
  
“Akaashi came to speak to me last night for a moment.”

Daichi flinched and thought for the hundredth time, what _had_ he done to get this sort of treatment.

“You want to fuck Noya, huh?” Suga smirked, jokingly punching his boyfriend in the ribs.

As Daichi became red in the face he thought- _Fuck, Akaashi, you monster_.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, as a lesbian, even I want to fuck Akaashi.  
> -  
> Hope you enjoyed ;)


End file.
